


wondering should we take the fall

by slugmutt



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Smut, basically jyn and cassian being terrible with emotions, but it ends well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 13:21:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9387020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slugmutt/pseuds/slugmutt
Summary: The second time Cassian left, after just two days on base, Jyn came to the unpleasant realization that she’s a little bit in love with him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to try writing smut, and somehow ended up with an angsty, somewhat smutty companion piece to "Dear Diary." (But no need to read that to understand this).

 

The first annual memorial for the fallen of Scarif is every bit as horrible as Jyn expected it to be.

So many dead, and she’s the one who led them there. She didn’t even know their names. The fact that everyone spends the day treating her like a hero just makes it that much worse. She spends the day trying not to remember the screams, the red flames off of burning spacecraft, the cloud of death that swallowed so many and came so close to killing her, too.

At least Bodhi is there. And Chirrut and Baze. They take turns at her side all day, an unspoken rotation that she would tell them off for if it weren’t the only thing keeping her sane right now.

Kaytoo is also there. Some things can’t be helped. Jyn doesn’t understand why Cassian left his droid behind. It’s bad enough that he’s gone; leaving Kaytoo around to torment her is just salt on the wound.

Cassian is not there. Beautiful, deadly Cassian – who told Jyn “welcome home,” who told her “all the way,” who broke through her mask of apathy after Eadu and looked at her on Scarif like she was the one thing he wanted in all the galaxy – left base before Jyn woke up after Scarif, and has barely been back since.

The second time he left, after just two days on base, Jyn came to the unpleasant realization that she’s a little bit in love with him. She spends the day trying not to think about him, either, and failing miserably.

Some things just can’t be helped.

*

The next morning, life goes on. Bodhi goes back to delivering medical supplies, Chirrut and Baze go back to… whatever it is that they do, and Kaytoo goes back to annoying the living hell out of Jyn. Today, the droid is complaining – for the million and first time – about her assignment, training the new recruits. Jyn would tell him that if he doesn’t like it, he can just stop following her already, but since that didn’t work the first million times she doubts it would help this time, either.

“I don’t see why we have to be here,” says Kaytoo, sounding for all the world like a petulant child. “We could have gone with Captain Andor. You’d be a terrible intelligence officer, but you’re a terrible trainer, too, so what’s the difference?”

Jyn grits her teeth and manages not to shoot him. What Kaytoo doesn’t know – what Jyn won’t tell anyone – is that the reason she isn’t in intelligence, the only reason, is that Cassian doesn’t want her there.

Not that he told her so directly. But she heard him talking to Mothma. Jyn is good at hearing things. Mothma wanted her as part of the team, and for a moment she let herself hope, but then,

“Jyn Erso? No. She’s not suited for fieldwork,” Cassian’s voice said.

Jyn won’t lie, hearing that hurt. It still hurts, thinking about it. How could he say that after all they’d been through? After _Scarif_?

But fine. Jyn won’t try to be where she’s not wanted. And training the recruits isn’t terrible. They’re embarrassingly bad with blasters, all of them – Jyn’s sure her 10-year-old self could have taken them all down in minutes – but it feels good, helping. Doing something to fight back.

It’s better than anything she thought she’d be doing at this age, when she even allowed herself to imagine living this long. So there’s that.

*

Six days later Jyn is working with the recruits when Baze tumbles in, still in the middle of a fight with some soldier. It’s not unusual behavior, for Baze.

Jyn is about to yell at him for disrupting her class when she realizes who it is he’s got in a headlock.

For a moment Jyn forgets herself, and smiles so hard it hurts. No matter how mad she thinks she is at Cassian, she’ll never not be glad to see him come home, alive and whole. Baze is laughing as Cassian tries to escape his grip, and it’s all she can do not to run to him.

By the time Cassian reaches her, Jyn thinks she’s fairly under control. Enough to greet him like a friend, not like yet another love-struck recruit. It’s still awkward. What do you say to the man who saved your life, gave you purpose, and broke your heart?

Jyn’s told herself a thousand times to stop thinking about him. There are other men. Men who are here, not off throwing themselves headfirst into danger in whatever far-flung parts of the galaxy. Men who are actually interested in her.

Her stupid heart still flips in her chest when his dark eyes meet hers, the same wild energy she knows so well dancing in their depths. Some things just can’t be helped.

*

Then Cassian offers to help with her class, and - no. Jyn is already struggling to act normal. She might be a little in love with Cassian – OK, maybe more than a little – but that doesn’t make this easy. The opposite. Being around Cassian hurts. She tells him she’s got it under control, that he should take advantage of his few days off to actually rest.

But Kaytoo spouts some statistics about how having Cassian around will help the students, and it’s decided. Having him around won’t help Jyn’s sanity, but that’s not exactly something she can admit.

So OK, they’ll work together for a few days. No problem. She just needs to stay detached, professional. She’ll treat him like any other officer.

That plan lasts for all of one day. Then she sees the flicker of hurt confusion on Cassian’s face as she calls him “Officer Andor,” and she can’t do this. It’s not fair to him. He’s saved her life, over and over, in so many different ways. She can’t take away her friendship, just because she wants more. So she’ll suffer a little. It’s worth it, for Cassian.

His face lights up when she joins him and Chirrut and Baze that evening, and yeah, she made the right decision. They drink some terrible rum one of the pilots cooked up and play a few rounds of sabacc with Chirrut, who always wins despite not even seeing the game, and it’s silly and fun and feels so much like _home_ that it makes Jyn ache. And if her heart lurches when Cassian throws his arm over her shoulders as they stagger back to their quarters, well. She can handle it.

*

The days pass slowly, and too quickly. Being so close to Cassian is painful; watching him leave will be far worse.

Jyn watches as he encourages the new recruits, more patient than she will ever be. One morning they fight side by side as the recruits practice trying to take them down, and it feels so natural, being at his side like this. They’re unstoppable together, a miniature army in their own right. He gives her a real, bright smile as they win, and Jyn can’t help grinning back. _Not suited for fieldwork_ , she reminds herself, and her smile fades.

They spend the evenings with Chirrut and Baze and the others, and life is good.

She wonders how long this can last.

*

When things fall apart, it’s for the most ridiculous reason. Cassian gets mad over her battle strategy, of all things. Strategy for a battle that she’s not actually going to fight; that nobody will ever fight, because it’s all just a stupid training exercise.

He’s mad because her plans are too risky. Because she’s not more cautious. And Jyn hears: not good enough. Not patient and clever, like him.

And she’s mad because he doesn’t get to do this. He doesn’t get to come in and out of her life, to break her heart a little every time he leaves, and still play the protector. If he wants to leave her alone, fine. She can take care of herself. _Alone_.

And before either of them realizes, they’re screaming, with a roomful of rebel recruits watching anxiously. Jyn knows she needs to stop, that this isn’t even close to appropriate, but she can’t.

Until Cassian yells, “Well, it’s a good thing I’m leaving tomorrow then!” and suddenly there’s nothing more to say.  

*

Jyn wants to spend the next day wandering the base, maybe picking a fight or two. But she still has a class to teach. Recruits who need to learn how to use a kriffing blaster already, before they get themselves killed.

She can do this. It’s just teaching a class. Same as every other day.

But she can’t, and it’s his fault. Him and Baze and Chirrut and Bodhi. Even K-2SO, for all she wants to melt him down for scrap metal half the time. They gave her a home, and she let herself be Jyn Erso again, not Lianna Hallik or any of the others. And now it hurts, when people leave.

Baze sees her distress and says “I’ll take it from here, little sister,” his voice gentle. Kaytoo suggests that she just go talk to Cassian already, and Jyn is too upset to work up a proper glare.

She leaves, but not to look for Cassian. Baze and Kaytoo don’t know what they’re talking about. This isn’t just another of their stupid fights. She can’t take this anymore, the back and forth. Doesn’t want to make up, just to watch him leave anyway.

There aren’t many places to go on base if you want privacy. But the storage tent is a good bet. It gets hectic when there’s a mission flying out, but on a day like today she should get some quiet there.

So of course, that’s where Cassian is. Some days Jyn thinks she used up a lifetime of good luck when she escaped Scarif.

He gives her a wry smile when he sees her, “I had a feeling you’d be here.”

“I just needed a bit of quiet,” she says, feeling upset for reasons she can’t quite explain. It’s none of his business; she hopes he’s not mad.

“You just needed to avoid me,” he says. He shakes his head, “I don’t know why, we’ll have five months apart starting tonight.”

Jyn feels her temper flare. “I was not avoiding you,” she tells him, even though they both know it’s a lie.

“Jyn,” he says, and his eyes are sad. “You’ve been running away from me ever since Scarif.”

It’s so unfair that Jyn is struck speechless for a moment. “I – me running away? You’re the one who ran away, Cassian. I woke up after Scarif and you were already gone. You’ve spent, what, three weeks on base since then?”

“Six weeks,” he says, and she can tell she’s finally made him angry. “Those are missions, Jyn. It’s not the same thing. You avoid me even when I’m here.”

“It wasn’t just missions,” Jyn says, and she hates the hurt in her voice. “You went straight from Andelm to Akiva. You could have come back in between.” Her voice drops. “Or I could have been with you.” At his look, she adds, “I know it was you who told Mothma to keep me here.”

Cassian looks stricken. Jyn cuts him off before he can say anything, before he can start giving an explanation she doesn’t want to hear. “I’m sure you had your reasons. But just – don’t do that, and say it’s me avoiding you. You didn’t want to see me.”

“Jyn,” he breathes, and he takes a step forward. Jyn wants to turn from him, but there’s a desperation in his eyes and she can’t bring herself to look away. “Jyn. No. It wasn’t… I always want to see you.”

He says it with such absolute sincerity that it leaves her breathless. Jyn will  never be entirely sure who moves first, but the next thing she knows Cassian’s mouth is on hers and his arms are around her waist and her fingers are in his hair and she doesn’t care who started this, as long as it doesn’t end.

They stumble back until her back hits something hard, still tangled in each other. His hands move up her shirt, tracing lines of fire across her back. She nips at his bottom lip, and is rewarded with a soft groan. She pulls at his shirt, needing to touch him, needing _more_. He rocks his hips into hers and she hears herself gasp.

If it weren’t for the sound of a ship taking off, bringing them to their senses, they might have – well, they might have given anyone who needed something from storage quite an eyeful. Even then, Jyn can’t bring herself to remove her arms from around his neck. He seems to feel the same, since he keeps his hands at her waist, thumbs tracing the lines of her hips, sending sparks through her body.

“Do you want… ?” he says, and his voice is rough, unsteady.

“My room?” she asks, and the smile she gets in response is the best thing she’s seen.

*

Jyn’s room is small. Just a bed and a shower, really, and a small set of drawers where she keeps her various weapons. It’s enough.

Cassian looks hesitant all of a sudden, like maybe somewhere between the storage tent and here she changed her mind. Jyn bites back a smile and presses her lips to his. This time the kiss is long and slow and sweet.

It heats up quickly, and soon she’s pulling off his shirt again and he’s pushing off her jacket and they’re falling into bed. His hands run up her sides, sending another wave of want through her. She lets her hands wander over his arms, his back, the plane of his stomach.

He’s kissing her, slow and deep, and his hand wanders down between her thighs, and – he is _very_ good with his fingers. In a minute, she comes undone, and he laughs against her neck.

Jyn takes her revenge, running wet kisses down his neck and brushing her hand against his erection, just enough to tease, not enough to give relief. Soon he’s moaning her name, begging. She smiles.

And then he’s on top of her and inside of her and they’re moving together, and she’s on fire again. He kisses her as she tumbles over the edge a second time, swallowing her moans.

When he follows her a moment later he’s saying her name, and it’s the best thing she’s ever heard.

*

Afterward they lie together on her bed. The bed is small even for one person, and they’re pressed so tightly together that Jyn’s not sure she can feel her legs anymore, but she’s not planning to move. Cassian’s fingers are playing with her hair, and for a moment she lets herself just relax. But there’s something she needs to know.

“Cassian?” He shifts slightly beneath her, and she knows he’s listening. “Why did you say it?”

He doesn’t have to ask what. “I shouldn’t have said it. I’m so sorry, Jyn.”

She waits. After a moment he goes on, “It was me. I couldn’t handle it, being out there with you.”

“Why not? I think we make a pretty good team,” she says, trying for a light voice and not quite making it.

He sighs. “I almost got you killed.”

She starts to object. Scarif was her idea, her stubborn refusal to let go. And seeing how things worked out, she can’t imagine he would do it differently.

He cuts her off. “I know it was your choice. I know it was the right choice. But Jyn – you didn’t see yourself, after… after Scarif. You were in a coma for _three weeks_.”

Jyn swallows. She knows she was very badly hurt, back then. She hadn’t really thought about how she must have looked, before the bacta healed her burns and broken limbs. She’s tried not to think about it.

Cassian is still talking, his voice soft. “If you’d been with me again, after that – I would have spent the whole time worrying. And,” he pauses, choosing his words carefully, “I wasn’t sure you would have let yourself say no, if you didn’t want to come. Not after Alderaan.”

She thinks about it. He’s right, she would have done anything they asked her, after Alderaan. She knows what happened wasn’t her fault, but – she could die a thousand times for the rebellion, and not undo the damage done by her father’s machine.

She still doesn’t like it. He should have let her choose. But there are worse things, than someone caring about her too much. Than Cassian caring too much.

So she leans forward and brings her mouth to his, and in seconds they’re back to trading hot kisses that just leave her wanting more, and Jyn doesn’t want this to ever stop.

“When do you have to leave?” she murmurs, swallowing back the lump in her throat.

He pulls back for a moment and looks at her, eyes dancing, a smile on his lips. “The mission can wait until tomorrow morning,” he says, and then he’s pulling her on top of him and doing some truly amazing things involving his hands and her breasts, and the mission had better wait because he’s not going anywhere.

*

When she wakes up, Jyn is alone.

She dresses quickly and takes a minute to pull herself together before leaving her room. She knew he’d be leaving early. She wishes he would have woken her up to say goodbye, but – maybe it’s better this way.

She runs into Cassian on her way out the door.

“Leaving without me?” he teases. Then his eyes soften, as he takes in her expression. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was going out. I just – I didn’t want to tell you before it happened, in case it didn’t work out.”

Jyn just looks at him, confused.

He looks almost shy as he pulls something from behind his back and hands it to her. It’s a blaster, but not just any blaster. It’s a modified blaster with three different laser attachments and automatic sniper configuration, one of the best they have. The type that only the front-line agents get.

“You can say no,” he tells her, his eyes locked on hers. “But – if you want a spot on the mission, it’s yours.”

Jyn tucks the blaster into her belt and smiles, and his answering grin is as bright as the sun.


End file.
